Step 9: Making Direct Amends
by ProfTweety
Summary: My version of prompt Sharon & Jack making amends on closerficfest.tumblr that I stumbled upon. Jack is on Step #9 which means he must make amends to those he's hurt & Sharon is 1st on his list, his damn list as he calls it. Initially reluctant, Sharon agrees to have the discussion w/ Jack in order to close the door on her past & be able to move forward in getting closer w/ Andy.
1. Part 1

_**Step #9: Making Direct Amends, Part 1**_

 **Disclaimer** : None of these characters are mine; James Duff, et al, has that lovely distinction. _The 12 Steps of AA_ was utilized within.

 **A/N** : So a good buddy was kind enough to explain what a tumblr is and give me some info to poke around. I liked this prompt and my muse ran with it but didn't forget her Shandy loving side. _I'm always happy to hear comments._ Hope you enjoy! Respect for humanity and civility in words always wins out. Today is life!

~~~~~PT~~~~~

 _Step #9: Making Direct Amends: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others_.

Before one gets to step nine, they must first go through each step before. Jack learned the hard way there's no skipping around and getting back to the difficult or taxing ones. That had been hard on Jack. He knew the steps, had worked on them before, and had hit the wall so many times he couldn't count but this time he planned on staying sober. It was the least he could do for his wife Sharon, though at this point that'd be ex-wife Sharon; he kept forgetting that _ex_ part.

 _Step four_ : made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. What alcoholic really wants to look at themselves? Isn't that the whole point of drinking themselves into oblivion? But he had done it and damn it wasn't a pretty picture. Rusty's comments kept coming back to him. "You had it all, Jack. You had a wife and kids…" That kid turned out to be pretty smart and a good match for Sharon. He realized they were both so similar. He also sadly realized that addicts had _made_ them that way.

In accordance with _step five_ , he had finally admitted the exact nature of his wrongs to himself and then again to his sponsor. The hard part would be admitting them to Sharon in such a way that she'd believe him this time, really believe him because this time he _truly_ realized what he'd lost and damnit if that kid wasn't right. He'd lost it all this time and there was no coming back home for him, not to Sharon anyway.

 _Step eight_ was hard, he had to admit. It was the damn list and he hated that damn list! But he did it and showed it to his sponsor who thought he'd done a much more thorough job this time than his previous two drafts. He'd decided now was the time to make amends to the people on that damn list and Sharon was going to be the first one. She's the most difficult and if he could get _her_ to believe him this time, their kids would fall in line and he wasn't really worried about anyone beyond that. He'd get there once his family was in better shape.

Yes, he had some problems with three of the steps but had successfully completed them enough to get him where he was today, on his way to see Sharon, his _ex_ -wife he reminded himself.

Sharon knew who was coming into the Murder Room just by the look on Andy's face. Yes, they were friends; if she were a bit more honest with herself she'd admit they were well on their way to becoming so much more than that. The sexual tension between them lately could practically spark enough electricity to power her condo for an entire day. She knew they'd talk about it; they had no choice really as it was almost painful at times. She also knew they'd act on it when the time was right. But she had to close one door before she could open another.

Andy's jealousy was nothing new. It's actually how she realized he considered her such a really good friend. Back then she didn't know it was because he already had feelings for her.

Snapping out of her thoughts, she noticed Jack was already in her office, staring at her as she sat lost in thought staring at Andy. "Jack, what brings you here?" she asked as she stood, hoping he'd skip the commentary on his observation.

"Uh, actually, I came to invite you out to dinner, Sharon."

"That's very nice of you but I'll have to pass. Thank you for the invitation though." She smiled at him, hoping he'd gotten the point.

"Uh, look, Sharon," he began nervously, "things haven't been the same with us since the divorce and," he shuffled his feet as he looked down, "and since I made that awful mistake of going to your place drunk."

"Since you made the awful mistake of letting yourself into my home," she corrected. "I believe things are just fine between us, Jack," she white lied. "The children are old enough to make their own decisions and we handle our professional interactions quite well."

"It's our personal interactions I'm here about."

"We don't have any." She sighed inwardly; this was going to take longer than she had hoped.

"That's what I mean, Sharon, and we should, you know, for the kids," he said sheepishly, shrugging his shoulders.

"Our children are mature adults, Jack; they don't need their parents spending time together to ensure they're emotionally healthy."

He looked down, "Plus you already did that, right."

A look of sadness briefly crossed her face. "Yes," she said softly, "I've already done that."

"Look, I've said your name enough times that you know I'm sober. I'm in AA like I told you I would be. I'm following the steps."

When he hesitated, she filled in the rest for him. "You're up to the step where you make amends to the people you've hurt." She was a kind person so she didn't add the word _again_.

"Yes, and there is nobody that I've hurt more than you, Sharon. Just give me one dinner, please. If you don't want to be seen in a restaurant with me, I can stop by your place and cook dinner for us. It'll be like old times."

Stealing a quick glance at Andy, "I'd prefer not to act like old times, Jack, and I have already told you there is no reason for you to come to my home. We are divorced." She sighed and silently berated herself for not closing the blinds.

As if he read her thoughts, "Look, I know you and Andy got something going on whether _you_ have figured it out or not. I'm not asking you for a date. Hell, I'm not looking to kiss you at the end of the night," his eyes lit up, "though if you wanted -."

"I won't be, Jack."

"So then what's the problem, Sharon? Are you afraid to be alone with your old charming ex-husband? C'mon, Sharon, thirty-five years together, there's gotta be something left." His natural charm was slipping out.

"Just because we were married thirty-five years doesn't mean we were together for thirty-five years, Jack," she pointed out.

"That's why I would really like you to spend a little time with me, preferably over a meal, and just let me make amends to you for everything I did," he scratched his head, "or didn't do, uh, to and for you. C'mon, Sharon, you know how important this step is to my recovery."

"I also know I've heard it all before, several times in fact. I've also read it several times. Jack, really, I don't think a discussion over dinner is necessary. Just tell me once again how sorry you are and inform your sponsor that you've made amends with your ex-wife so you can check that off your list and move on to your children."

"Look I deserve this and more, Sharon, I deserve everything you've got in your arsenal to throw at me. But, please, I'm begging you and _I_ don't beg, Sharon, please do this one last thing for me. It doesn't matter how indifferent you want to look or how angry you want to sound, I can see the hurt even now. Sharon, we both need this. Please just go somewhere with me. Give me a couple of hours and I won't ask for your time ever again."

"Okay, Jack, two hours tonight. I won't have dinner with you in a restaurant or at my place though."

"Where do you want to go then? You wanna do this at Andy's place? I bet he'd love that!" he chuckled.

"Of course I don't want to meet you at Andy's home." She thought quickly. "How about we meet at the beach? Do you remember the place I'd go off to alone so I could think things through in peace?"

"Yeah, I do. I can pick you up if you -."

"We'll take separate cars, and we'll meet there at 9pm. If this case keeps me later and I am unable to make it, I'll call you."

"Uh, okay, I'll bring a picnic basket with a few things just to have something on our stomachs as we talk."

"That would be much appreciated. Thank you, Jack."

"Uh, good, so it's a date, uh, a meeting then. I'll see you there at 9pm sharp, Sharon, and thank you for doing this. I really mean it, _thank you_."

"It's not a problem, Jack, you're welcome. I'll see you there," she said as she sat back at her desk.

As he turned to leave, "Oh, and Jack, _I_ will be the one mentioning this to Andy, not you. Are we clear?"

"Uh yeah, of course, I won't say a thing, Sharon."

Looking confused he left her office throwing a general "Good-bye, all," to her team members. There was no way he could miss the scowl on Andy's face so he just plastered on a smile as he approached him and said, "Take care, Andy," as he passed his desk.

"You too, Jack," he heard Flynn mutter angrily back at him.

* * *

When she cancelled their dinner non-date, Sharon had decided not to mention the meeting to Andy. It was bad enough she had to deal with Jack, she didn't have enough energy to deal with both men in one day if Andy had the expected reaction he usually did when it came to her spending any kind of time with her ex-husband.

Thinking of the irony of the situation, she slowly sipped her glass of wine while convincing herself to be emotionally open to the amends Jack was trying to make with her. She needed to close that door with him to be able to honestly, emotionally open the door with Andy. So yes, she thought of the ironies of needing an alcoholic beverage to help get her through her ex-husband's AA step number nine _yet again_.

Her belief that this all ended when the Judge signed the divorce papers was obviously erroneous. A business suit and heels weren't exactly beach attire so she changed to jeans, a pullover sweater and sneakers. A jacket would be necessary for later if he kept true to his two-hour amends-making time slot.

On the drive over, the butterflies in her stomach became as hyperactive as kittens on too much catnip. The travel mug filled with chamomile tea was, at the moment, offering no relief.

As she parked, she fought the desire to text Andy her location and with whom she was sharing a picnic dinner. Instead she text Rusty the information to ensure someone knew where she was other than her companion for the evening.

Saying a silent prayer along with the Serenity Prayer she had learned during one of Jack's previous forays into sobriety, she felt herself calming down. The butterflies were acting like regular playful kittens once again.

[TBC]


	2. Part 2

_**Step #9: Making Direct Amends, Part 2**_

 **Disclaimer** : None of these characters are mine; James Duff, et al, has that lovely distinction. _The 12 Steps of AA_ was utilized within.

~~~~~PT~~~~~

 _Step #9: Making Direct Amends: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others_.

He stood as soon as he saw her approaching him and moved in to hug, stopping short when he felt her hand on his chest. "Thanks for coming, Sharon," he said as he sat back down.

"I said I would, Jack," she commented as she sat across from him on the small blanket he'd set out already.

"Yeah, and you do what you say, that's for sure," he practically grunted.

She couldn't help the glare though she did manage to remain silent. When he didn't say anything else and the silence became awkward, she admitted, "I cancelled dinner with Andy to be here with you, Jack."

That made him decide it was best to get right to it. "It wasn't all bad, you know, we had a lot of dreams in the beginning."

She smiled at the memory of those early days. They were young and so in love. They shared their bodies and their dreams with each other and made plans for a long future together. They had even planned the two children that had turned out to be more than he could handle sober, or drunk for that matter. Her smile began to fade as she remembered how so many of those dreams never came to fruition, mostly on her end.

"We did," she agreed quietly, "but dreams are just that, Jack, they're hopes and wishes and they don't always come true." She sighed and shrugged. "We did have love though. We _loved_ each other, jack, and for what our love gave me, I will _always_ be grateful." She could never be sorry that loving Jack had given her Emily and Ricky.

"I was a terrible husband, Sharon, but I loved you. Hell, I still love you." He put up a hand, "I know I did everything I could to mess things up while you held everything together." She saw his eyes well up with tears and felt hers respond in kind. "I lost the best damn thing, the only _truly_ good thing that I ever had in my sorry ass life." He wiped his face with one hand. "Sharon, I'm sorry, you gotta know how sorry I am. God, I _never_ meant to do everything I did, to put you through all that, to put the kids through it. I _never_ meant to do any of it and I sure as hell never meant to hurt _you_."

"Yet you did, Jack, and not just once but time and again and I let you." She felt the first tear start sliding. His hand automatically reached out to brush it away with his thumb.

His gentle touch reminded her of what it was like in the good times, what loving him physically was like. He was a charmer in every aspect of his life but he was a gentle lover, warm and considerate, when he was sober. He gave as much as he took when he genuinely loved her in her bed. Yes, even he knew it was _her_ bed but she loved him in it over the years anyway.

She shook herself out of those thoughts after he removed his hand. "I'm a selfish guy, Sharon, we both know that. I can be a selfish sonofabitch. If you let me get away with something, I sure as hell was gonna do it again."

She sighed deeply. "But then you complained when I had to bring things to your attention more than once. You left, Jack, so many times you were just gone and that damn letter would be there waiting for me to read what you couldn't tell me to my face. Do you have any idea what that _did_ to me?"

He reached over and wiped another tear from her cheek with his left hand as he used his right hand to wipe his own. "No, I don't have any idea, Sharon. I know it was wrong to do that to you but I have _no_ damn idea what my running away _really_ did to _you_."

"It hurt, Jack. The first time you left, it literally felt like my heart hurt when I was alone in bed. I hurt so deep it felt like I'd never stop crying. I had to be strong for the children because they were missing you too but God, Jack, I hurt so much that first time." She raised her legs and hugged herself around them.

His heart clenched watching her protect herself against him, against the memories he gave her. "I'm so sorry," he whispered, fighting the shame he felt rising within.

"When you came back, I really thought we had a chance but the reality of life set in eventually and one day I went home from work, two children and four bags of groceries and I saw the damn letter." She wiped her own tears away this time. "You broke my heart a little more each time you did that, Jack, but I became used to it after a while and eventually I didn't cry as much and my heart only ached for a day."

"Oh my God, Sharon," he whispered through his hand over his mouth.

She sat cross-legged now and took his hands in hers. "You know what the most ironic thing is though?" He shook his head to signify he didn't. "In the end, to _protect_ myself, I became the very thing you always accused me of being." A sad laugh escaped her. "I became the cold, rule-loving, shut-off woman you always said I was whenever you were drunk and angry at me."

Letting go of her hand, he wiped away another one of her tears, and then went back to letting her hold it. "I shouldn't have yelled at you, Sharon. I shouldn't have called you those names. You are _not_ made of ice and you are _not_ someone I could only be around drunk. You let me in your bed _every_ time I came back and God knows you let me know how much you still loved me. Even when you instituted the two-day rule, you showed me you still wanted me in your bed."

He let his mind remember their lovemaking over the years. Even as they'd aged, she was such a passionate lover, such a vocal lover with him. But the most powerful words she ever told him was the tearful " _I love you"_ she whispered when they were coming down from their high. She'd say it every time he came back, always on the first time they made love. Feeling himself get aroused and knowing he shouldn't be, he brought himself back to their conversation tonight. "The last time was a surprise but you had Rusty there and you were so much stronger, protecting him like you did Emily and Ricky."

"He wasn't _our_ child. He didn't grow up with you being there until you weren't," she paused, "until you were again. Emily and Ricky were used to it, whatever they felt about it, Jack, they were used to it." She pointed her hand towards herself. " _I_ let them get used to it. _I_ let them think it was normal, that your behavior was acceptable as their father and my husband." A sob escaped though she really didn't want to cry tonight. "I tried to protect them from it, from the hurt, from you, Jack, and I ended up teaching them that it was normal for _us_."

He pulled her towards him and held onto her tightly, his head on hers, tears flowing down his own cheeks only to be lost in her hair. He felt her arms move around his middle and she adjusted her legs to the new position she found herself in. "I taught them to be like us," she quietly sobbed.

"No you didn't, Sharon. Emily and Ricky are good kids, they're good like you. They are nothing like me, you hear me. Damnit, I wasn't around long enough for them to be like me. They got the best I could give them, Sharon, and that was to be raised by you and you alone."

He kissed the top of her head and gently rubbed her back, the need to hold her as tightly as he had now gone. "That doesn't excuse what I did. It doesn't excuse the drinking and the gambling. It doesn't excuse me going through your money like it grew on trees. In the end, I loved those kids but I couldn't be a father, I couldn't be a husband. Not like normal people can be. Letting them be raised by you was the _best_ thing I could do for them."

"You said I kept them from you," she sniffed.

"Well, truthfully you did but as I saw them over the years, the little bit I did sometimes, I saw you in them. I was pissed in the beginning that I didn't see myself but later when I saw how good they were, hell I was _so_ glad not to see myself in them."

"You _do_ have some good qualities, Jack. I didn't fall in love with a horrible person. It's with the person you became that I fell out of love."

"Was that a long time ago?" Though his voice was low and he sounded hesitant, he held her tighter so she'd know he wanted the truth.

"Yes, it was, Jack." She looked at him now. "I will _always_ have a very special place in my heart for the man I fell in love with, for the man I married and created Emily and Ricky with but that means I _care_ for you as that man, as the father of my children who I am _so_ very lucky to have, it _doesn't_ mean I love you anymore."

It was her turn to wipe the tears from his face. "I screwed up so badly, Sharon, I mean really big time screwed up. Rusty was right. I had the damn big jackpot and I threw it away," he chuckled sadly, "or more to the point, I walked away from it. I left a freaking million dollar jackpot on the table and just walked away from it. I am so sorry I hurt you, Sharon."

He took time to think back over the past. He focused on all those years when his wife and kids were in Los Angeles and he was in Vegas. He thought of the woman he'd very seriously dated and created a life with that she didn't know about because it would've broken her heart to know that he could love another while still married to her, to know that he was in an extended relationship and still joining her in her bed when he was in LA. It would've broken her heart to be honest with herself and acknowledge that he was only there to see her and the kids because he was asking her for money or some other favor to get him out of whatever new mess he found himself.

Bringing himself back to the present, he sighed deeply. "I couldn't do it but I should've just stayed away. I caused more pain doing what I wanted and not worrying for one damn minute what you wanted or what I was doing to you or the kids but mostly to _you_. My God, Sharon, most women would've moved on long before now. Yet you're still debating about it. I accept that I did that to you."

He moved her head back under his chin, held it there with one hand as the other lay on her back, holding her close. "I am so sorry. I have no excuses, I don't. I'm a weak, selfish man; that's a fact. I screwed us up, Sharon, but don't let me screw up your life for good. I may not be ready to see it but don't spend the rest of your life alone because of me. It's not fair. Don't let me do that to you."

"I remained true to our vows, Jack, but the divorce papers are proof that I don't have to anymore. I'm just making sure I don't jump in too quickly again and make another mistake based on emotions alone. It has to be both sides of my brain this time, emotion _and_ logic." She looked up at him when she realized the word she'd let slip. "You weren't a mistake, Jack; my letting it go on as long as I did was the mistake."

"I know what you're saying, Sharon, I know what you mean. I can't be a mistake because then Emily and Ricky would be too and they're not. They're the only really good thing I gave you."

She wiped his tears away again. "I still have the ability to love, Jack. You didn't take that from me. I wouldn't _allow_ you to take that." She paused, debating, but tonight was a night for truth. "Andy's a good man and he's so _very_ good to me. How could I not care about him as much as he cares about me?" She smiled brightly for the first time that night. "I'm happy to see him. I enjoy our time together. I look forward to it, Jack. I like seeing his name on my phone's Caller ID when I'm in bed having trouble falling asleep. I enjoy caring about someone who feels the same way about me."

"You are in deep, my lovely _ex_ -wife," he said with a smile, running his hand through her hair.

"Yes, I'm just trying to find the right time for us to discuss it, for us to tell each other."

He kissed her forehead. "There is _no_ right time, Sharon. The right time is whenever you say it. You really think Andy's gonna care when it comes out?" He tilted her head up further. "Do you?"

"No, I don't, Jack, and I won't whenever he admits it."

He kissed her softly on the lips, chaste yet lingering. Her lack of response told him everything. "Good-bye, Sharon."

"Good-bye, Jack. You have the chance to be a good father to our children. They still want that, you know."

"Yeah, hope's still alive." He started to stand, grunted loudly, extending his hand to her to help him up. "Damn I'm getting old. When the hell did it get so hard to get off the sand?"

She couldn't suppress her laugh, "When you started to get so damn old."

They walked to their cars next to each other without touching. She watched him put the unopened picnic basket into his trunk as she disabled the alarm on her vehicle. "Don't forget it's there or it'll smell like something died in your car," she teased.

"Well, I can't have that kind of reputation as a defense attorney, huh. I'll be the guy whose car smells like I keep the bodies hidden in the trunk to win cases," he smirked as he slammed the trunk closed. "You take care of yourself, Sharon."

She nodded, "I will, you do the same, Jack. Good luck with the program."

"Thanks," he said as he got behind the wheel, managing to turn the ignition before he was even fully in the seat.

* * *

As she drove home, the butterflies were asleep. She was glad she and Jack had this time together tonight but she wanted to end her night talking with Andy.

She was emotionally drained as she entered her condo, telling Rusty she was home and needed to wash off the day when he answered her knock on his bedroom door.

The hot spray felt good as it rained down on her, easing the stress and aches away along with Jack's tears she knew were the culprits behind the small wet spots in her hair.

Wearing the softest night gown she had, she climbed into bed, phone in hand. Once she was in a comfortable position for both talking and relaxing, she called Andy. He answered on the second ring. "Hi," she husked involuntarily, her hand on her thigh through her blankets.

"Hey," she could practically hear the smile in his voice, "I was just gonna call you."

"Is it all right to let you know I missed you tonight?" she asked quietly, a hint of uncertainty she was trying to hide.

She heard him chuckle softly. "I think you just did."

"Yes, I suppose I did. I'm sorry I cancelled our plans. I really did want to spend time with you." She quietly sighed. "Jack wanted me to meet him so he could complete step nine and check me off his list."

It was his turn to sigh, though not as quietly as he had hoped. "Are you okay?" he asked, concern evident in his voice. He knew what those meetings were like. If people were honest with their feelings, they were emotionally taxing on everyone involved.

"It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. We talked, cleared a great many things up and had the chance to really say good-bye to each other and to that part of our lives. It was very cathartic, Andy."

"I'm glad, Sharon. As long as you're okay than I'm glad you cancelled on me and were able to work things out with Jack. That was more important."

She was still amazed at his capacity for empathy when it came to Jack despite how much he hated that he'd hurt her and worried that she still felt connected to him through their children. "Thank you for understanding, Andy. I had to put away the past to be able to move forward and I finally did that tonight."

"That's really good to hear. Whoever you move forward with will be a lucky guy."

"I was thinking of you as I drove home."

"That sounds promising," he said, voice low.

"I came home, thought of you some more, took a shower and called you."

"In that order?" he teased in an even lower voice.

Realizing what it sounded like, she felt herself flushing. "Yes, in that order but it was a warm shower not a cold one."

"Women don't need cold showers if you get my drift."

She could just picture the lopsided grin. "Remind me again why I called you when I'm in my comfortable bed and could've just gone to sleep."

His laugh made her flush again. "You called me while we're _both_ in bed because you were still thinking about me after your shower and you couldn't resist anymore."

"Ah yes, that's the reason," she chuckled softly. "Would you like to have dinner with me tomorrow?"

"Yeah, I would. Now go to sleep. I can hear those yawns you've been trying to hide and you're keeping me up."

Now it was her turn to outright laugh knowing he was flushing over his word choice. "Good night, Andy, I'll see you tomorrow."

"Tomorrow it is, good night, Sharon."

[The End]


End file.
